Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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