Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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