Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow