I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
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How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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