How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry