I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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