my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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