hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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