You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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