Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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