It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
