It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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