Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
