Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize