So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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