I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Terrible idea I love it