NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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