my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
