Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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