So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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