Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok