Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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