I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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