New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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