I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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