okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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