you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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