i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
handjob tips. give me some.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
