Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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