I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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