Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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