I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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