I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"