its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize