..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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