out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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