Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
