He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
