i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
