so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
