new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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