My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.