he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND