the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids