the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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