I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
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So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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