the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
