when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
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I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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