i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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