whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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