Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
