Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
